I’ve tried, but nothing is working
Everything is going to be okay.
Whoever said that you should live your life to the fullest every day obviously was delusional. Sure, there are those days where you feel that you need to change, where you need to ‘live your life to the fullest every day.’
But then you run across those days, those weeks, those years that it’s just too much. It may not be day to day, but things happens. Friends let go, loved ones die and things go wrong in your job or at school. A past can come back to haunt you and little white lies rise up to smack you in the face. People who you thought loved you turn out to be users, turn out to be jerks, to say the least.
No matter what resolutions you make on December 31 or January 1, there will always be things to get in your way. Is it a matter of overcoming your obstacles? I’m not sure. Because I have my downer days, today turned out to be one of them.
I’m supposed to get an internship next summer. I need to get an internship next summer and Bob Beers, who I was in contact with awhile go told me he’d help me out. I found this e-mail while going through old e-mails, so it’s not new. But I just re-found it and got really excited. So I told people, but I don’t need it running around campus through different mouths and changing the story.
That’s one thing. Another thing is I found out someone I thought who cared about me, actually doesn’t. Though this was awhile ago it just fully hit me today. It was one night, after a week of utter stress, that I found this out. I broke down, I got depressed and I realized who actually cared about me as friends were there for me. Even people I didn’t know too well were willing to talk. That’s shocking but it didn’t help the fact that I was extremely, to say the least, hurt. People who you care about should care about you. They shouldn’t lie about caring about you and they shouldn’t hurt you purposefully.
There’s nothing good about feeling horrible about your day or about yourself. Today, I feel like crying because of something some jackass said to me a month ago. I feel like crying because today is one of those ‘bad’ days. Friends can try to cheer you up, say things will get better but that’s not what anyone wants to hear. Putting on a smile or hiding away from the world are two different ways to deal with a problem. But when the problems are just staggering, sometimes you just need a good cry. Here’s something you may not know about me: I need a good cry once in awhile. I haven’t had one since before school started and the stress and betrayals are starting to pile up.
‘Friends’ left and I realized who around me really gave a crap. People from the past were re-discovered, if not for the best then for the worst. Limits and boundaries were tested and I’ve already lost two mentors in my life in the matter of four days.
So 2010 has not been good to me. I can only hope that, with this summer and with someone who cares about me coming home, that things will get better. Friends can only make it somewhat better. Every person needs that other person who gets them, who understands and who can be there. I have a best friend, I have best friends, they’re all great but there’s a hole that only one person can fix. Maybe I’m being melodramatic, a hopeless romantic or whatever they’re calling it now. But I just hope that, eventually, the emotional scars can fade away and I can be able to talk to people about them positively.
For now, nothing is working.
Is it you I want, or just the notion of?
Random Fact #1: I’ve never been a fan of the ‘good guys’
It’s true, I’ve never liked them. To me, half of them were weak (at least in modern day films). I was raised to watch old 1950′s movies alongside the modern day ones. The “Thin Man” series was one of my earliest loves: I loved both the villains and good guys in that series.
Warning: If you haven’t seen the movies I mentioned, skip over their little analysis.
Overall, I don’t like them though. There are very few movies were I actually like the good guys and off the top of my head they’re the following: The Boondock Saints, The Departed, Four Brothers, and Ironman. Spiderman? Superman? Batman? All wusses in my eye. The movie world has made Spiderman into a modern day ‘emo’ and Superman and Batman into jokes. Long-running series, Smallville, has completely destroyed credibility to Superman. And I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t love Venom?
We’re led to believe the ‘good guys’ are the ones fighting for the greater good. Then why are they so weak? Why do they need to go through some dramatic change or lose someone to become who they are? Good does not overcome in the real world, as much as we’d all like to believe. Maybe it’s because I want to rebel against loving the superhero, but I can’t stand very many of them.
In terms of the movies I’ve picked where I side with the ‘good guys,’ taking a close look there’s a blurry line between good and evil in all those movies (minus Ironman, who is one of the only heroes I like and even he has his bad attributes).
Boondock Saints: There’s a blurry line between the good and evil in this film and I think Duffy created it for this sole purpose: there is no black and white in real life. Or there’s very little of it. The McManus brothers are not really good: they kill scores of people who have killed scores of people. So, really, they’re not ‘good guys.’ But in terms of antagonist vs. protagonists, they’re the protagonists.
The Departed: A Martin Scorsese classic. There are the good cops: presumably Dignam and Queenan. But of course, we’re left in the end wondering who the good guys really are. There is, of course, Costigan who is presumed a good guy along with those previously mentioned. Sullivan, of course, is one of the most hated. When I saw the movie, people were cheering when he was taken out. And then Costello was just a crook, modeled after Boston’s own James J. “Whitey” Bulger.
Four Brothers: Same as the previous; you have the Mercer brothers who’ve previously wrecked havoc on Detroit and are now wrecking havoc to find out who killed their adoptive mother. None are related, they were brought together by her and the bad guys in this movie (who deserved their end fate) are just as bad as the Mercer brothers, only they take out innocents. Still a blurry line though.
Ironman: Sure, sure Ironman is technically a hero. But, even in the comics, he is considered a playboy and has created a truck full of weapons for the United States Army. He sometimes agrees that the ends justify the means and can also be considered selfish. Compared to the previously mentioned ones, however, still a little bit more good.
So yeah. I don’t know where this stems from, maybe from my slightly rebellious childhood (I mean, I did get detention in South School in first grade..). But I’ve always-kinda rooted for the bad guy. He always get the bad end of the deal: very rarely do they come out on top. And when they do it’s usually a prequel to a sequel or something stupid.
The good guys just annoy me. Some are cocky and arrogant (ie: Mathayas in The Scorpion King). Some are just plain weak in personality and ability to grow up (ie: Spiderman). And some are just goody-two-shoes (ie: Most all Disney movies).
Then it’s also because some villains are just so bad-ass there’s nothing to do but like them. I mean, c’mon, who wasn’t secretly rooting for the Shark in Jaws half the time? Because I was. Really, I was. I love that movie and I love the scene where he’s killing Quint (Robert Shaw’s character).
While Mr. Shark is doing that, after a couple times I started making mock Shark thoughts in my head (don’t judge me, you’ll start doing it). “Oh no Mr. Human with your pointy and sharp thing. I don’t want you to poke me no more. NOM NOM NOM NOM.”
Seriously, don’t judge. You love it.
And then you have (dum-dum-dum-dum) Dracula. I mean, who doesn’t like Dracula? Sure, most of us were made to read Bram Stoker’s Dracula in high school or middle school and found it a dull read (I, however, did not). And then we take a look at the original movie with Bela Lugosi and laugh at the special effects, but the message is clear: Dracula is bad ass. Why do you think there are so many vampire movies? (Twilight does not fall under this category, vampires do not sparkle)
Then you have the gangster movies everyone loves (“Don’t ever go against the family!”). Even today, movies like Public Enemies are popular because they have the mob culture mentality. The Godfather, Scarface, and Goodfellas are all heavily popular movies. Going all the way back (ask your parents, kiddos, they’ll know what I’m talking about) to James Cagney in White Heat and you see the love for the gangsters: the usual bad guys. Where the cops get the boot for being against the lovable guys like Cagney, the love for those on the wrong side of the law is evident.
And then, you have those movies that make you like a guy who you shouldn’t like. Example: Secret Window. Taken from Stephen King’s Secret Window, Secret Garden short story, you really shouldn’t like Johnny Depp’s character, Mort Rainey. Yet you find yourself silently cheering him along throughout the movie. In Sweeney Todd, again you grow to love Depp’s character (as messed up as he is). And in terms of the movie, Law Abiding Citizen with Gerard Butler, you come to love and hate his character at the same time. It’s messed up but enjoyable. In the end you’re left with a sense of appreciation and contempt for the character.
So the bottom line is this: I’m weird, I love the villains. I love rooting for the underdog and I love seeing some baddies win a fight.
hurley3352
